Last night David and I had a serious talk about what can be adjusted in our day to day logistics to keep me from murdering one or both of my children, or myself.  We came upon some solutions that I hope will be useful, and then he slowly, carefully said: “Now, don’t worry or anything when I say this, but it’s possible that you might–maybe–be…slightly depressed.”  Well, that didn’t freak me out at all; I smiled reassuringly and said “OF COURSE I’M DEPRESSED!!!!”  Isn’t sleep deprivation a torture technique???  Not to mention all the other bodily and hormonal unpleasantries that I will not mention here and which will remain unmentioned by me.

Deep breath.  Sorry, just employing one of my favored coping mechanisms…whenever I find myself with ANY mental, physical or emotional space, I breathe and breathe and breathe, hoping to store up for those frequent moments of internal strangulation I experience when trying to get two kids out the door in 20 degree weather without cursing at them or their recalcitrant gloves, trying (failing) to catch a little, tiny pretense of a nap here and there, or trying (failing) to keep my 3-year old quiet in our Brooklyn apartment while little one “sleeps”.  As any mother knows, it’s rough.  (Mother’s Day assumes all new proportions of heartfelt gratitude to MY mommy…)

But today is a new day, with fresh mercy.  Just talking through ANY kind of solution really helps…even the smallest bone is a feast to this tired dog.  And truly our community of neighbors and friends have been amazing–bringing food, taking Leif for the morning, or just calling to check in.  Yesterday the highlight was eating peanut butter brickle while nursing Orion.  (Special thanks to our neighbor Veronika for that little indulgence!)

I guess I’m just venting.  Everyone says it gets better…I’ll post again if/when it does.  Meanwhile, keep those bones a-comin’.

And here’s a recent shot of said 2nd, who is now smiling (though I couldn’t quite capture it here)…((and this is kind of fish-eye; his nose isn’t THAT big))…(((but he does frequently employ that expression that seems to say, “Seriously, mommy?”))):

James Orion Dishman–Born 12.27.09–9 lbs. 2 oz.

Here are some shots from our first 12 days as 4:

Leif and I jumped on the F-train for an adventure down to Coney Island.

After a 30 minute ride, we got off the train and onto the beach.

Leaf acknowledged the presence of the ocean…

… surveyed his surroundings …

… and got to work.

After a while, he decided to explore.

He soon discovered a bird. “Bird!” He exclaimed! (It sounds like “Dah!” In fact most of his words sound like “Dah!” It’s sort of like his sound for *.* in DOS … or “.*” if you’re into regular expressions)

He gave chase for a while and soon bored of the futile pursuit.

He was happy to get back into the stroller.

We had a couple hot dogs (Hot Dog = “At Ga” in Leivish) and fries, and then hopped on the subway home.

It was a really fun day.

While you don’t take a jet, getting there is almost like flying — you take a cable-car over the east river.

That’s the 59th street bridge right next to the cable-car. The climactic fight scene in Spiderman was filmed here. Scott, Leif and I, were just feelin’ groovy though.

There are ruins of an old asylum on the south end of the island. Just beyond that is a nice grassy area where Leif walked around.

He likes helicopters and airplanes. If you go to the flickr site (click any of the images) and view the images after this at full resolution, you can see the helicopter he was watching.

Behind us is the UN, the Empire State Building, the Chrysler building, the erstwhile Pan Am (not MetLife) building, and a the Green Goblin’s building.

Other than Leif’s runny nose in the cold, we all had a great adventure.

Our baptist neighbors looked at each other with some concern and took their leave. Maybe they’ll pray for us. We can use it!

I’m sure all 3 readers of this blog think that Leif’s beer-carrying habit came from his father. I admit that I once let him take a sip of beer, and (unlike a former president) he did inhale, causing him to choke with watery eyes. Sadly, I don’t think he likes beer. He does like beer containers, though.

I scoured our photographic archives in search of the origin of Leif’s obsession with beer cans and bottles. What I found was shocking:

Yes, on the day of Leif’s baptism, his Grandpop and Uncle Markie were welcoming him into the church with one of God’s gifts to humanity — Beer.

I’m going to tell you about a fun trip to visit Pop and Kevin in Townsend, TN in October. Yes, that’s a really long time ago, but it was a blogworthy trip, so here goes!

Pop and Kevin invited us to crash Kevin’s family reunion, so we hopped on a great, comfortable JetBlue flight from NYC to Nashville and drove about 4 hours to Townsend TN. Leif was fine for the flight, but didn’t really approve of the long car ride after that. We got in really late … the next morning, we woke to a beautiful scene …

and Pop and Kevin’s smiling faces!

After a brief period of adjustment to his new surroundings …

… Leif got a chance to warm up to Grandpop.

We spent a lot of time on the porch looking at Mount LaConte in the distance.

While there, Leif made a new friend — Dalton.

“What the heck? We’re surrounded by grownups! Do you have to go to these things all the time?”

“Hey, watch this. I just discovered the glass coffee table over there … ”

Now the grownups are looking!

What trip would be complete without a drive in Pop’s new high-tech car up to low-tech Cade’s Cove?

There was a dramatic sky up over the Smokeys.

Once back at the cabin, we discovered that Leif might be called to be a conductor:

I’ll leave you with a picture of Pop in one of his favorite pastimes — involving amazing displays of cunning and dexterity. And a few smeared flies.

It was my first time there since Mom was buried.

After Elizabeth told me she was expecting (which is a story in itself), after I got over the shock, after it settled in, I wished we could tell my Mom. I wondered what she would’ve said, how excited she would’ve been.
Many times during (and since) Elizabeth’s pregnancy, I wish we could’ve called Mom to talk to her about stuff. I wish we could’ve shared the anticipation, the frustration, the hope with her. It was an amazing thing to call Pop at 6:30 am on 11/15/06 to tell him of the arrival of John Leif Dishman. I wonder what Mom would’ve said.

After we took Leif home, my eyes slowly began to open to what my Mom gave me. As Elizabeth and I cared for this newborn, I realized that no one can ever really thank their mother in a way she deserves. No kid will ever really know what his Mom gave him. How could I ever thank my Mom for all the midnight feedings, diaper changes, TLC? How can you thank someone who all in one instant experiences the emotions of compassion, frustration, perplexion(?), worry and anger with a dollup of fatigue on top, all bound together in love?

After almost 9 months of Leif’s life, I know that his Mother does and will sacrifice herself every day for his well being. Her gift to him is something that is wondrously different from mine.

I wish my Mom could see him grow up. Maybe she’s cheering him (and his mother) on right now…

Today would have been Mom’s 64th birthday. We miss you, Mom!